Pukengkeng Liberation, revisted
My mind, body, and spirit have been many places this week. And I’m not sure how to bring it all together into a sequence of frames and moments that would make sense for you, the reader. For a while now, the themes and passions of my life have intensely focused on addressing women’s empowerment, sexual wholeness, and healing in creative ways. And I have been interested in how this process especially impacts the Pinay body in her efforts to self-liberate and how this uniquely looks depending on her location and life cycle.
Within the context of the above, there has been an interesting tension within me, recently, between sharing publicly and keeping the details of my own pukengkeng liberation private. In my selective sharing, I have been honored to be regaled in turn with friends’ stories of their messy and marvelous personal discovery of the erotic in their own lives. Since keeping our pleasures secret is central component of our sexual socialization, I do not take their disclosures casually and hold them dear to me as a babaylan should. But I do find it fascinating how there seems to be a pervasive erotic energy wanting to express itself and how much relief comes from the re-telling. ( Maybe it’s summer? And now that Venus is retrograde, I wonder what this all means? )
Esther Perel of Mating in Captivity says,
“When we express our erotic yearnings we risk humiliation and rejection, which are equally devastating. It is no wonder that many of us prefer the security of workable sex as a shield against this harrowing scenario. We may be far from passion, but at least we feel normal. In the grand scheme of things, it‘s not a bad compromise. But then there are those who long to be known differently, to give themselves over and risk crossing that threshold. They muster the courage to confront the cultural prohibitions against sex… They hunger for full expression in the erotic realm, and resist the urge to withhold. For them sexual communion is far from dirty, but rather a sacred melding that puts us in touch with the divine.”
Clearly, part of the joy of pukengkeng liberation is in the speaking the intimate truth about the most intimate places that have been shamed and finding that others recognize themselves in your courage. The joy is in making yourself-your body the medium and the surrender when you take off the mask and reveal your experience. Perhaps, blogs and e-mails are just not the optimal place to do this.
I am grateful to have a supportive partner and close friends who truly get this and can bear witness in other ways. But, I have to say that at times, I feel this terror -even with those I love- that I will be misunderstood, judged, minimized, dismissed, and ultimately rejected for following my passion and speaking out loud about it. The specter of sin, Puritan conservatism, and fundamentalist morality hangs over me/us. And I fear that one day, I will pay a dear price for actually daring to document an internal movement to embody and support others to embody their sexuality.
In many ways, I am reminded that a woman- and a Pinay, at that- who owns her sex-who attempts to truly holds herself sovereign and self-determined, is viewed as a dangerous woman in this patriarchal world. Her sex channels all creations-from a child to creative projects. And because she refuses to be owned, she can be at times, a lonely woman who must split herself off and hide parts of herself so she can belong. Because she dares to believe that her own body can vessel a powerful energy not solely meant for procreation, but for justice and for joy, she may have to surrender all attachment to a “normal”, secure connection to traditional family and conventional community. Sometimes, I am not willing to pay that price.
As I move forward on community projects, I am constantly wondering about how to address this risk within myself and with others who walk the path of pukengkeng liberation. Courage is constantly required and I deeply believe in the power of parallel process. That is, the degree that community leaders-take on their own sexuality and embrace eros and creative power within themselves and all other levels, they create an energetic field of possibilty which gives permission for others to find as Eve Ensler says the “power moan” within themselves. And when we all “go there” in whatever way feels responsible and culturally appropriate for each of us, we can find home deep, deep inside and we can be at home as Pinays and Pinoys- in the world, wherever we are- alone or with others.
Within the context of the above, there has been an interesting tension within me, recently, between sharing publicly and keeping the details of my own pukengkeng liberation private. In my selective sharing, I have been honored to be regaled in turn with friends’ stories of their messy and marvelous personal discovery of the erotic in their own lives. Since keeping our pleasures secret is central component of our sexual socialization, I do not take their disclosures casually and hold them dear to me as a babaylan should. But I do find it fascinating how there seems to be a pervasive erotic energy wanting to express itself and how much relief comes from the re-telling. ( Maybe it’s summer? And now that Venus is retrograde, I wonder what this all means? )
Esther Perel of Mating in Captivity says,
“When we express our erotic yearnings we risk humiliation and rejection, which are equally devastating. It is no wonder that many of us prefer the security of workable sex as a shield against this harrowing scenario. We may be far from passion, but at least we feel normal. In the grand scheme of things, it‘s not a bad compromise. But then there are those who long to be known differently, to give themselves over and risk crossing that threshold. They muster the courage to confront the cultural prohibitions against sex… They hunger for full expression in the erotic realm, and resist the urge to withhold. For them sexual communion is far from dirty, but rather a sacred melding that puts us in touch with the divine.”
Clearly, part of the joy of pukengkeng liberation is in the speaking the intimate truth about the most intimate places that have been shamed and finding that others recognize themselves in your courage. The joy is in making yourself-your body the medium and the surrender when you take off the mask and reveal your experience. Perhaps, blogs and e-mails are just not the optimal place to do this.
I am grateful to have a supportive partner and close friends who truly get this and can bear witness in other ways. But, I have to say that at times, I feel this terror -even with those I love- that I will be misunderstood, judged, minimized, dismissed, and ultimately rejected for following my passion and speaking out loud about it. The specter of sin, Puritan conservatism, and fundamentalist morality hangs over me/us. And I fear that one day, I will pay a dear price for actually daring to document an internal movement to embody and support others to embody their sexuality.
In many ways, I am reminded that a woman- and a Pinay, at that- who owns her sex-who attempts to truly holds herself sovereign and self-determined, is viewed as a dangerous woman in this patriarchal world. Her sex channels all creations-from a child to creative projects. And because she refuses to be owned, she can be at times, a lonely woman who must split herself off and hide parts of herself so she can belong. Because she dares to believe that her own body can vessel a powerful energy not solely meant for procreation, but for justice and for joy, she may have to surrender all attachment to a “normal”, secure connection to traditional family and conventional community. Sometimes, I am not willing to pay that price.
As I move forward on community projects, I am constantly wondering about how to address this risk within myself and with others who walk the path of pukengkeng liberation. Courage is constantly required and I deeply believe in the power of parallel process. That is, the degree that community leaders-take on their own sexuality and embrace eros and creative power within themselves and all other levels, they create an energetic field of possibilty which gives permission for others to find as Eve Ensler says the “power moan” within themselves. And when we all “go there” in whatever way feels responsible and culturally appropriate for each of us, we can find home deep, deep inside and we can be at home as Pinays and Pinoys- in the world, wherever we are- alone or with others.
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